Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
