The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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