What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
