3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
