she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
