He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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