I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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