I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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