you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
