I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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