Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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