Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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