I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
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When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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