Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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