Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
