theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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