First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
