I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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