I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
