did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
