You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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