Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
People in love make me want to vomit
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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