i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You pole danced in your parka.
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My breasts were aching with rage.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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