how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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