I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
