I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
