Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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