Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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