I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
