somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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