if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
