i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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