I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think I am morally bankrupt
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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