i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
