just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
