you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
