You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
