Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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