Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i need some magic done to my vagina
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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