i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Someone signed my nipple.
Pooping to opera.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
