The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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