I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
