I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
