she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
