So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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