broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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