My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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