I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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