Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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