Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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