paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
it was like eating out sand paper
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
