rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
