I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
