My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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