I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Randomize
