i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
